The Great Affair is To Move

“I am awfully greedy; I want everything from life. I want to be a woman and to be a man, to have many friends and to have loneliness, to work much and write good books, to travel and enjoy myself, to be selfish and to be unselfish…”
–Simone de Beauvoir26aa27d2458f16f428ad2cd80c6fb901

I have been travelling due to love for a very long time. My parents were divorced when I was two years of age, however I did not have regular visits with my mother until I was an older child, due to unfortunately having a less-than-stellar father.

Once I was finally visiting my mother and her girlfriend regularly, when the time came to drive me back to my father’s home, I would rail & storm, scream, cry my guts out, beg them to kidnap me, and generally, quite understandably, cause anxiety & misery for the entire five hour drive.
It was hellish, and I can only imagine what my poor mother went through during those heartbreakingly tragic times.

The first time a man traveled to see me was when I was not yet twenty years of age.
Mr. Frenchheart came from Montreal with a tent, simply to visit me. He was some kind of accountant, or studying for hotshot-math-something, and due to our long, drawn out philosophical conversations and lovely rapport, he decided on a whim to change his life entirely, quit what he was doing and follow his passions instead. We lost contact, and I don’t know how he truly is now, but social media checkups tell me he’s doing wonderfully and is making films that have already been showcased in a few festivals.
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The First time I genuinely traveled for love, I was in my twenties, he was twenty years my senior. I trusted this man because we had a mutual friend whom I also adore.

Mr. Savage, as I will call him, is absolutely trustworthy. Unfortunately, I found out a little late that his character judgement is a mite skewed in the ‘optimistic’ direction.

Mr. Scootercat, when not imbued in cheap island rum, was admittedly a genius. His skill at all aspects of art & music, literature & gastronomic delight were impeccable.
I will never cook another marinara recipe again, and I will always hold our talks of culture & philosophy in my heart. Unfortunately, quite soon it got to the point that I was no longer living with the same man. I left before further damage could be done once I realized he and the household would not take responsibility for a resourceless woman in the tropics. I had to hustle, there was no time for reliance on others.

Because of that experience, I got to meet an absolutely wonderful Filipino chief of police. Mr. Chief was all-flirt, full-man, and tough as nails, but he was also absolutely the sweetest thing. He always made sure I had a coffee and a breakfast pastry. He allowed me to devour all of the novels he had stacked on a shelf. He made sure in the evenings that I had food, or had money to go to the night market to buy my own. He insisted I use his own private facilities to wash and freshen up, because it had a lock and key. He was always asking me if I had found a boyfriend, and telling me I would make someone a happy husband someday. The poor fellow didn’t know I had the sweetest crush on him, I bet he would have had a heart attack! 8415b5fd4ae4fd6c5d72ffe1ee03f27d

The most recent travel excursion was to a man I had known for almost ten years previous, but had never met in real life. A real sexy, red-blooded American. From Philly. With Italian roots, good god he was a timebomb.
Charming to the gills, absolutely hilarious, the biggest bookcase I had seen in a man’s house since an ex’s father’s in high school, talented in music, art & writing, and by god, clever. Things ended when I returned to Canada to work, in order to save for an upgraded apartment in six months with him. A deeper issue left untreated turned a small issue into a blistering mess.It got ugly, and I walked away due to feeling irreparably disrespected within our dynamic.

I miss all of the men who have came and went from my life…the ones that exert effort to make a Lady feel proper. That doesn’t necessarily always mean using your manners…we’ll talk about my love for bad boys sometime in the future…but it does mean offering her something a little bit more, while also respecting her autonomy.
It is not her job to feed you treats once you’ve successfully shown her your tricks, but impress her and she may show off tricks of her own.

I love travelling for men.
A man that takes care of your travel arrangements, so all you must do is show up, sit, then strut the floor like you own the airport, is absolutely thrilling. It’s the extension of the luxury of your own private car. It is romance, adventure, anticipation, exhilaration all at once. It makes you feel thoroughly courted. Mix that in with the heady lust that travel incites in a human, well…is there not one better combination in the world?

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The Fires of Experience & Freedom’s Obsession

It was never my conscious intention to be a sensual, erotic creature by nature.
From childhood until well into my teenage years, I remained ashamed of my sexuality as well as my sensual feminine nature. I denied my womanhood, and still struggle with my identity as related to emotional intimacy & female empowerment.

This is one of the main reasons I have decided to document and explore my boundaries and limits in regards to my sexual & sensual nature within a blog setting. I have a gift for words, and I find that writing has always helped me establish more organized thought.
If it succeeds in inspiring others, my journey is worth it.

5e7a505d7d0b78adeb5b6f50ce1fc2d2I have always been a sexual creature in secret.
I was made aware of my ability to arouse as a young human on this earth. My first views of human sexuality were skewed with both authority figures as well as peers. Within the moments of inappropriate behavior I was appalled, disgusted, and averse to it. However, it made me aware of my body, and I found myself attractive in an awkward, childish way.
I have in the past utilized that childlike, innocent nature in order to empower my sexual nature.

It is incorrect.
I have come to determine that the exploitation of innocence is not tolerable in any form.
I have the double blessing of being dissociative.
I have a part of my psyche squared off that is my ‘child nature’, and the rest of my ‘system’ would fight tooth and nail to protect it from harm.
Therefore, in that same sense, the exploitation of my own sensual, innocent, child-like state for ‘Gains of Power’ ((later explained)) is not allowed.

I am a highly spiritual human.
Sensuality & spirituality are closely intertwined for me, and I suppose I would explain my views personally as, Sex is to Religion what Sensuality is to Spirituality.
The physical act of sex is pleasurable to participate in, but I am certainly no fanatic.
I consider sensual contact between humans to be more rewarding overall to the systems of both parties. However, that isn’t to say sex & sexuality don’t intrigue and excite my imagination….it just takes more than skin slapping wetly together.

In regards to relationships, where this project/journey bloomed from, I will say I have a very unfortunate past. As much as I have tried to be the supportive, loving, dedicated, devoted partner, I have failed. I hold no ill will, blame, negativity, or otherwise…but I sure do miss that part of my tooth, the vintage stereo system, my sanity, and the countless hours wasted on another person who didn’t appreciate it.

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Nonetheless, I have loved almost every man who has come into my life. They would not have gained access to me if I had not. I appreciate the masculine side of this world more than most imagine at first glance. I worship a fine man. I have high, yet gloriously simple ideals for the ‘Perfect Man’, and most men are able to mirror shards of this for me sufficiently enough that I have taken them in and overlooked their baggage.

I do not mind the mental exercise of debate, discourse, and self-improvement.
I support every endeavor associated. The following relationships are illustrated in order to display and educate the public to my own inclinations & intentions, past and future.

1581c91af621e90ec6da9e2df4639dfaMy most recent, Mr. Advertising, was a perfect example of masculinity. Six foot something, fuzzy in all the right places, gloriously sexy in a teddy-beast kind of way. We were compatible. He was perfect. Unfortunately, his vice came in a little bag and six cans. He could go for days, and I stayed by his side the whole time. For six months, to be precise. I had no visa and spent the days in his apartment. On the days he went to work, I cleaned, surfed the internet, tentatively explored the neighborhood, and generally puttered. Our plan was to send me back to Canada to work & save some money for the following next six month stint. Three months in, everything fell apart in a blaze. Our last chance to repair things resulted in him deliberately missing his flight.

And so it goes.

The one previous, Mr. Scootercat, had a love for cheap tropical rum that superseded all reason or Will.
I ended up losing a tooth with a well-placed drunken snog to the face with his fist.
I also spent six months with him, trying to reason out his issues, but lordt, be they many and I was indeed overcome.

And so it goes.

There’s so many more, but the outcome is that I will be ceasing the care of others in relationships in favor of a more structured ‘court’. I belong to no one, and my body is my own sovereign property. I fancy the idea that I may be in the company of well-educated, literate, exciting, passionate, thrilling men, and not have to answer to any of them individually. There is something romantic in the idea of social discourse with like minds with no underlying insinuation or intent…one’s cards on the table, if you will, where the relationship and it’s boundaries are concerned. I appreciate and assert being in control of my sensuality, my erotic capability, and my sexuality as well as all of its expressions.

Until Later,

– Queen of Kings

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All Art is But Dirtying the Paper Delicately

“Never forget that all these people are primarily a visual people.
They are designers, window dressers, models, photographers, graphic artists.
They design the windows at Saks.
Do you understand?
They are a visual people, and they value the eye,
and their sins, as Saint Augustine said,
are the sins of the eye.
And being people who live on the surface of the eye,
they cannot be expected to have minds or hearts.
It sounds absurd but it’s that simple.
Everything is beautiful here, and that is all it is: beautiful.
Do not expect anything else,
do not expect nourishment for anything but your eye—and you will handle it all beautifully.
You will know exactly what you are dealing with.”

Andrew Holleran, Dancer from the Dance

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So many people know me in my professional & social life as hard, cold, calculated, aloof, solitary & strange. I find it amusing that for the most part, my private, emotional & sensual dealings with people don’t overtake the energy equilibrium in my life.

I have been approached many times throughout the years of my life for sexual & sensual healing or relief. Often, people aren’t consciously aware of doing it.
Within my own boundaries & space, I choose to interact with the person or not.

Many people question why I do the things I do.
Many people find it unhealthy, unfaithful, morally or socially questionable, and so on.
Many people have told me that to flaunt sexuality, or to reveal the body is cheapening or disrespecting the Feminine as a whole.

I disagree.
I fundamentally believe in my power within the female form.
I believe in my right to be comfortable with my body.
My body truly is my temple.
I believe in my right to adorn or uncover my temple as I see fit.
I believe in my right to allow whoever I choose to see any part of my body.
If female nakedness intimidates you, feel free to walk other paths.
Nudity is Natural.
Body shame is not tolerated in any form.

OriginS – Nəgəstä Nəgəst

Nigiste Nigist – “Empress Regnant” (nəgəstä nəgəst) (In Her Own Right) “Queen of Kings”.

Empress Zewditu (reigned 1917–1930) was the only woman to be crowned in Ethiopia ‘In Her Own Right’ since ancient times. Rather than take the title of Itege which was reserved for Empress-Consorts, Zewditu was given the feminized version of Nigusa Nigist to indicate that she reigned in her own right.

She was accorded the dignity of Girmawit (Imperial Majesty) and the title of Siyimta Igzi’abher (səyəmtä ’əgziabhēr, feminized “Elect of God”).
She was commonly referred to as Nigist (Queen).

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I, with my public writings & the way I conduct my private life will take back the title of Nəgəstä Nəgəst, and will hold myself to such standard.

There is no one person who rules over me, and I rule no one.
I have a code of ethics, values, morals, roles, and responsibilities for my kingdom.

I also have room for dreams, ambition, social projects, knowledge-gathering & debate.

I suppose more will follow, but I found these points, from A. C Grayling, who seems to be a pretty interesting fella.

I’ve added the paragraphs after each point, adding how I personally feel about the matters.

  1. Love well
    This does not mean love outside of your comfort zone.
    Loving well is about truly experiencing moments with whatever is the attention of your energy or love. Giving yourself fully to those moments and being open to a new, deeper, or more rich experience.
  2. Seek the good in all things
    Try not to judge based on first assessment. Look for things others would not see. See through people’s words, into their intent. Try to add benefit to their reality. Do not damn tragedy or hardship. Your best weapon is laughter. Bitter laughter is the sweetest salve for pain.
  3. Harm no others
    All life, from rocks to cells, is sacred.
    Do not kill, except to defend, or to eat.eeb6d04ebece51181ba5888200dd1154
  4. Think for yourself
    Exercise & utilization of the brain is integral to growth.
  5. Take responsibility
    There are many things beyond our control that happen in this universe, however, you are your own walking Will & Word. When you shirk responsibility, place it on someone else, or attack others in order to avoid it, for whatever the reason or cause, you are damaging your character.
    When you take responsibility, it is owning who you are, which is ultimately a favorable outcome for everyone.
  6. Respect nature
    Nature was here first. I adhere personally to Natural Laws. If you do not respect Nature, it will not respect you, and thus, you will deliberately choose to cut yourself off from an integral relationship.
    You cannot be in a relationship with anything you do not respect.
  7. Do your utmost
    Try.
    There is a saying, ‘God does not give you any more than you can handle.’
    It’s true. When it is difficult, come talk with me. I’m absolutely horrid at advice, you won’t feel much better, but I’m lovely at wasting time.
  8. Be informed
    A smart brain is a well-read brain, and those who don’t know history and all that..
    I am a voracious reader, I adore others who are as well.
  9. Be kind
    Always. Manners are underrated and seldom used long-term.
    Be extra-ordinary by being a decent human being…it works.
  10. Be courageous
    Sometimes the best way to manage fear is to wrap it up and stick it in a back pocket. It’s up to you to decide which situation is beyond your abilities, however. There is a large difference between having courage, and making plain stupid mistakes.

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Come back for more soon, would you?
We’re just getting started, and the Empress has many secrets to share.

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