It was never my conscious intention to be a sensual, erotic creature by nature.
From childhood until well into my teenage years, I remained ashamed of my sexuality as well as my sensual feminine nature. I denied my womanhood, and still struggle with my identity as related to emotional intimacy & female empowerment.
This is one of the main reasons I have decided to document and explore my boundaries and limits in regards to my sexual & sensual nature within a blog setting. I have a gift for words, and I find that writing has always helped me establish more organized thought.
If it succeeds in inspiring others, my journey is worth it.
I have always been a sexual creature in secret.
I was made aware of my ability to arouse as a young human on this earth. My first views of human sexuality were skewed with both authority figures as well as peers. Within the moments of inappropriate behavior I was appalled, disgusted, and averse to it. However, it made me aware of my body, and I found myself attractive in an awkward, childish way.
I have in the past utilized that childlike, innocent nature in order to empower my sexual nature.
It is incorrect.
I have come to determine that the exploitation of innocence is not tolerable in any form.
I have the double blessing of being dissociative.
I have a part of my psyche squared off that is my ‘child nature’, and the rest of my ‘system’ would fight tooth and nail to protect it from harm.
Therefore, in that same sense, the exploitation of my own sensual, innocent, child-like state for ‘Gains of Power’ ((later explained)) is not allowed.
I am a highly spiritual human.
Sensuality & spirituality are closely intertwined for me, and I suppose I would explain my views personally as, Sex is to Religion what Sensuality is to Spirituality.
The physical act of sex is pleasurable to participate in, but I am certainly no fanatic.
I consider sensual contact between humans to be more rewarding overall to the systems of both parties. However, that isn’t to say sex & sexuality don’t intrigue and excite my imagination….it just takes more than skin slapping wetly together.
In regards to relationships, where this project/journey bloomed from, I will say I have a very unfortunate past. As much as I have tried to be the supportive, loving, dedicated, devoted partner, I have failed. I hold no ill will, blame, negativity, or otherwise…but I sure do miss that part of my tooth, the vintage stereo system, my sanity, and the countless hours wasted on another person who didn’t appreciate it.
Nonetheless, I have loved almost every man who has come into my life. They would not have gained access to me if I had not. I appreciate the masculine side of this world more than most imagine at first glance. I worship a fine man. I have high, yet gloriously simple ideals for the ‘Perfect Man’, and most men are able to mirror shards of this for me sufficiently enough that I have taken them in and overlooked their baggage.
I do not mind the mental exercise of debate, discourse, and self-improvement.
I support every endeavor associated. The following relationships are illustrated in order to display and educate the public to my own inclinations & intentions, past and future.
My most recent, Mr. Advertising, was a perfect example of masculinity. Six foot something, fuzzy in all the right places, gloriously sexy in a teddy-beast kind of way. We were compatible. He was perfect. Unfortunately, his vice came in a little bag and six cans. He could go for days, and I stayed by his side the whole time. For six months, to be precise. I had no visa and spent the days in his apartment. On the days he went to work, I cleaned, surfed the internet, tentatively explored the neighborhood, and generally puttered. Our plan was to send me back to Canada to work & save some money for the following next six month stint. Three months in, everything fell apart in a blaze. Our last chance to repair things resulted in him deliberately missing his flight.
And so it goes.
The one previous, Mr. Scootercat, had a love for cheap tropical rum that superseded all reason or Will.
I ended up losing a tooth with a well-placed drunken snog to the face with his fist.
I also spent six months with him, trying to reason out his issues, but lordt, be they many and I was indeed overcome.
And so it goes.
There’s so many more, but the outcome is that I will be ceasing the care of others in relationships in favor of a more structured ‘court’. I belong to no one, and my body is my own sovereign property. I fancy the idea that I may be in the company of well-educated, literate, exciting, passionate, thrilling men, and not have to answer to any of them individually. There is something romantic in the idea of social discourse with like minds with no underlying insinuation or intent…one’s cards on the table, if you will, where the relationship and it’s boundaries are concerned. I appreciate and assert being in control of my sensuality, my erotic capability, and my sexuality as well as all of its expressions.
– Queen of Kings