I Don’t Hit, Darlin’.

Screenshot from 2018-06-30 00-49-04It’s sometimes difficult to talk about experiences.

When Something that you ‘Wish Did Not Happen’ does, you spend years repressing or forgetting, or at the very least, learning how to live quietly in the living room of your mind with it… you become more & more steadily focused on not-dying of ‘Stupidity’ or ‘Bad Decisions’, while it simmers & fidgets & squirms in the chair beside you. Sometimes it’s ugly mouth shatters Reality…. Gawping & Bursting with voiceless noise, screaming, bubbling & drooling, reminding you it still has Form & Name… a shape, & lighting that won’t dim.

When you see a side of yourself that is truly abhorrent… or that you hate because it reminds you of a parent, or when you wish you were more than you are, or feel like a more successful version of you is literally a situation away, or when you stare in the mirror, into your own eyes & it feels like molten lava flowing down your spinal cord… Your head cradled in Live Electric Wire… it can be so easy to ignore, to shut it off, to dumpster-lock it and roll it away into your guts.
Your Guts.
*BlinK*
[*]{{{{RepREsSi0N iZ c00L Br0o0Oo…hEHe…}}}}[*]
Tho…
In turning away, you begin a new circle.
My father was a pedophile, but beyond that, I was abused & assaulted by everyone around me, and I don’t know whether to call it abuse & assault because I was just young, ignorant & uneducated or if I can feel confident in the fact that I feel fucked up by it all & stand by that. My main concern is that I was just as much a perpetrator as a receiver of inappropriate conduct throughout my youth, and that it continues to fuck me up to this day.

So many of my female friends raped each other.d6bc78a0c68957efde1a2621253449b6
I don’t remember if it was consensual.
Sometimes I remember being told to pretend I was this or that character on tv or given a scenario I was supposed to act out. But was I assaulted if I was participating & perversely enjoying myself in these encounters? I remember that very clearly as well…the feeling of my violations being ‘perversely’ erotic… in that it felt wrong but I also enjoyed myself & always hoped it would continue, though fully understanding it shouldn’t be happening in the first place, at the time, of course, not understanding biology & human sexual response, all that… things got confusing.

I had multiple unwillingly sexual encounters, centered in a closet, (If it wasn’t tragic, I would LAUGH, all the shelving constructed by my gay-phobic christian pedophile father, INDEED!) with a girl, due to my stepmother being friends with the mother, and I just ‘learned to do it’, half of ‘doing it’ being complaining & whining about not ‘doing it’…which in retrospect groomed me for high-school… *sips tea*

I remember one particular instance in a daycare, I was playing dolls with another girl, she had a blanket over the dollhouse and was trying to make my doll ‘bang’ her doll.
At first I didn’t get it, but then I started getting embarrassed & refusing, while the girl pretty much threw a tantrum about it. We both got punished for the encounter… I don’t remember how it was explained but I remember the shame & embarrassment about being sexual.

There were a few boys who played ‘show me yours I’ll show you mine’ games, but I don’t remember the encounters feeling anywhere near as sinister as situations with girls or adults have.

I learned everything I knew about sex from V.C. Andrews books & similar sources.
If you are not aware, these books are the equivalent of softcore taboo porn… tons of incest, rape, non-consensual sex, affairs, ballet-school scandals, sexual abuse in foster-care situations, all kinds of stuff that I, at 31 years of age, am now very impressed they actually followed through to publishing. I can’t admonish myself for having access to books with murder & rape scenes… I wanted SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT, and this will be one of the only reasons I am relieved I was a sheltered child, I could have turned out so much worse, but I was taught restraint, above all things… which, I suppose if you’re a psychopath, is a beautiful trait to have command of.

((Shoutout to Books.
Books, words, literature, Those who Dare encrypt Thought Wrought from Ether to Writ, those Savage Nobles, both Living Feverishly Without Time & Scribbling Sweat onto paper…Cheers.))

So… my first boyfriend got down on one 17-or-so year old knee on my best friends basement floor & asked 12-or-so year old me to date him. He was so much older & hotter than anything I had ever seen. I wrote in my diary about him…and I got the proof!!

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I ended up kissing him, but then ‘Dumping him’ at the end of the month because I wasn’t allowed to date at that age.

I don’t remember much of a ‘sexual awakening’…
Most girl sleepovers involve contact in whatever shape or form.
(Again, unless they don’t & I just hung out with inappropriate people?!?)
My family once took a trip to visit my stepmother’s relatives & a stepgirl-cousin showed me her boobs but got frustrated when I didn’t know what playboy was and went to sleep.

My first fully-realized, conscious sexual experience that I pursued, began & ended because I thought, in my mind, that if the older high school guy that was preying on my best friend banged me, he’d stop trying to go after her. We ended up losing our virginity to the same dumb loser ‘punk’ who tried too fucking hard… his FULLY ironic profession of ‘They’re sooo Laaaame’ toward grade ten kids & pushing SLC Punk and the most cliche’d dirty & ‘subversive’ jokes on us like it was a life-changing moment was lost on all involved.
Screenshot from 2018-06-30 05-05-27In retrospect, I found out later than his friend Don, whom I had a genuine crush on, also had a genuine crush on me at the time, but kept his distance to be a gentleman & not a freaky pedobear.

Go Motherfucking Figure.

Other sexual experiences rut & bump through my memory like rotted, charred horrors… or worse, broken vessels still whole enough to hide Life within their bloated forms… covered in ancestral algae… the sea of my foggy ocean-mind is restless & deep, indeed.

I’m not sure when I began being attracted to older men, but it was distinct, deliberate, and unrestricted…the lifestyle I led allowed me the freedom to make bad decisions.
The men I chose weren’t desperate or indiscreet.

I tried to seduce my grade nine teacher, but incorrectly.
I secretly loved him from afar & then sprang him with a gift-box full of poetry & love letters at the end of the year, ran, then messaged him later on social media for an answer.
Silly Girl.
He explained it was sweet but inappropriate.
I still wonder if he thinks of me when he fucks his wife.

At 18-or-so I had very much wanted to fuck an Uncle of a friend for a few years at that point. Tip of the hat to him for waiting… unlike others. Screenshot from 2018-06-30 00-50-14

We had a beautiful time and I felt an inherent ‘instinct’ for the ‘campfire rules’. (Leave ’em better than you found ’em.)

I was deliberate in my displays of sexuality in my youth, I wanted to ‘Be Seen’ & Taken Advantage Of, but I suppose the real important question would have been ‘Why?’
I still do have related fantasies, but I think the difference is my commodification of it all…

Before, the answer probably would have been close to ‘Because I am Beautiful’… Now the answer is closer to ‘Because I know My Beauty is Valuable To You.’
I am forever questioning what my answer will be at 60.

If at age 31, I see these encounters as violations, but at age 14, 18, 25, I was, if being honest, more predatory in my own mind towards the supposed ‘villain’ than I care to admit…
How does One reconcile that?
Those feelings, all full & jumbled & fueled by youth, by fresh hormone or imagination or lust or irrational ignorance, or what…

That unnoticed fog that separates you from adulthood once you fully cross?
I knew I was Separated once I became an Other, but I never felt my Ecology Shifting.
That’s what causes The Monster.

At age 31, I am nervously uneasy & diametrically opposed to the sexualization of Youth…but when I was That Youth I was begging for it… I suppose the difference, I have pinpointed earlier, is that I learned how to commodify it. And unfortunately if we’re being honest, too late to be of any true use, or to give any sort of leverage in life at the time… ((Is that why they choose us? We’re fucking stupid about economics & reality?))
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Being dissociative is an interesting exercise when you try to think critically.
I personally have 6 passengers in my little car, so trying to come to a solid opinion on anything is difficult, let alone sex.
I also wonder if that’s what contributes to the conflict between ‘abuse’ & ‘did I encourage it’…
I have some dissociations who are not sexually active, some who are basically primal force personified, so can I be ‘both‘ consensual & non-consensual in earlier-aged situations when I was figuring out identity in the body?

I constantly question my voice as a victim because I believe I have it within my human makeup to be a perpetrator.
I see potential victims all around me because I see life through a perpetrator’s eyes, am I like…. CROSSING THE LINE WITH THE EMPATHY SHIT, GURL….or am I a predator in a soft, fuzzy also-bruised-wink-wink body?
Was I a predator at 12?
With My Demure Gracefulness,
My Implicit notes Attuned, & Played…
Plucked & Dressed, for Primal Desire,
Specifics of Nectar… Intent of Pollen…
Nature VS Nurture?
Raised by a Pedophile Instead Of a Lesbian, Good Choice Judge?
Saw Both Mother & Father’s Dicks As a Child, One a Mistake, One a Lazy Reality?
(turned out to be the opposite)
Is It Skewed Vision, I Raised Myself Into a Monster With Fiction & True Crime Books?
Does It Matter?
“Which Way Do You Vote, Anyway?;
What Are Your Thoughts on Gun Control?”
Screenshot from 2018-06-30 00-49-41“Electrify it, Holster it, Project it, Slide.”

I Am & Have Always been the Lolita.
In the last few years I’ve tried to change that… Not allowing certain dissociations control, Allowing others to ‘Take Charge Of The Situation’… I am at a personal split.

I notice the world responding to my Old Woman Self by turning away.

It is always the story of the Prince who turns away the Flower Seller.

‘Old Men must learn the Dance of the Eaten Women.’

He will learn the lesson, but I will have long passed on.
I am the Teacher that leads to the Blessing.
I am never the Garden you settle Within.
I am the respite.
I am the refreshment in the desert.
I am the Weed that refuses to Die.
I am the Cheek in life.
The Wink & the Nod.
I am the Maybe, the Better Not…
The Side-look to the Secret-self Inside You… just before you take Another Drink…
That ‘Last Mouthful…’

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I watch you.
Don’t let me lose you, Me.
(shhh.)

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Doing It, Better

I was asked to speak on two topics that concern me within the porn industry.
This is less a blog post as it is a reference to my own personal opinions.
Thank you,

-JK

***
The sexualization of youth is a big problem in society.
Especially now, in light of SESTA, stories of trafficked children, ICE losing children in the system, etc… Now, more than ever it’s important that the sex industry is seen taking a strong stance against illegal/underage content, as well as marketing their product in a way that is NO DOUBT for adult consumption.

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Looking at this first image, we see three entire categories catering or alluding to the idea of a performer that has not fully matured.

‘Teen’, ‘Amateur’, and ‘Old & Young’ categories are industry-standard labels for content that displays young or new performers, which reinforces the desire for a pornography market involving or exploring the sexualization or exploitation of youth. An argument can be made that on some pornography sites, ‘Amateur’ can be used as a category for content created by ‘the average citizen’, but looking at the second photo, we see there is already a category for ‘Homemade’, which seems to allude to that type of porn already… why the repetition, if not to allude to younger/’virgin’ content with ‘Amateur’?
Secondarily, most thumbnails show women who’s looks skew younger… there is very little age diversity among this group.

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When it comes to modern sexual issues, the fight for accurate representation within porn by Trans, Queer, PoC, and other marginalized groups has been at the forefront of our industry for years.
The fact that clipsites continue to market or label trans porn as ‘Shemale’ and ‘Tranny’ when, for YEARS, it has been pressed that those terms are slurs against trans people, is deplorable. The fact that plus-size performers have spoken tirelessly against the inaccurate & humiliating use of ‘BBW’ as a label in the industry, yet remain ignored is reprehensible.

There will always be someone who argues for the simplicity of labels.
It’s ‘easier’, or ‘people are used to doing it this way’.
However, in an inclusive, reasonable, enlightened populace, we would not have issue with acquiescing to the desire & needs of the people who provide us the material we wish to consume.

Disaster

The Honest Courtesan

Forbidding the promotion of prostitution on the Internet…would be “to burn the house to roast the pig.”  –  Alex F. Levy

Unless you were overseas, deeply inebriated or in a coma for the past two days, I’m sure you’ve heard that the massive internet censorship bill known as FOSTA passed the US Senate Wednesday as unanimously as bad laws based on moral panic always do; all it lacks is Trump’s signature to become law, and unless he pulls one of his bizarre reversals that’s pretty much a given.  The law is so blatantly unconstitutional (on several grounds, including flagrant violations of the first and tenth amendments, and article 1’s ban on ex post facto laws) that even the DoJ (which never saw an expansion of federal power it didn’t like) recognizes that, and it will indubitably be challenged as soon as it hits the ground; unless the…

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The Essence of a Beautiful Heart, the Essence of an Honest Spirit.

Screenshot 2018-02-20 at 3.49.43 PMI love cam work.
Finding my sexual freedom & autonomy through the internet has been a long journey… I have been attracting male objectification for my entire life, and being on the internet was no exception, however having a physical barrier between me and the thousands of prodding, leering eyes allowed me to explore & experiment with many different personal ideas and desires in a more private setting. Through these interactions, as I have stated before, I learned about healthy boundary-setting, have explored more in-depth personal opinions on a wider range of topics such as trafficking, abnormal sexuality, ethically-sourced porn & sex-toys/materials, etc… so One cannot argue that sex work in general, and cam work specifically, have not helped me grow as a person.

However, too many times in this industry, I have felt less-than supported in my efforts to ‘entertain’. Too often, I have given away free or heavily discounted photosets or public cam shows. Too many times I have spent 9 hours or more on camera, only to receive a sum total of fewer than ten dollars for my efforts. Screenshot 2018-02-20 at 2.36.46 PM

I cannot complain or say that this applies to all of my viewers.

Of course, every sex worker or cam girl has fans & loyal supporters that do what they can, but this job is High-Fucking-Maintenance, and I can very easily say I am not even scraping bottom of the barrel in terms of what I COULD be offering as an entertainer if I had the resources.

Some days, I can pinpoint the issue as to why I have no engagement… some days, I log on even though I am feeling mentally foggy or agitated. I do this for a few reasons…

The fact of the matter is, interacting with my regulars, ‘meeting’ new tippers, having interesting, wacky sexual conversations… sometimes these things are a beautiful way of lifting my mood. Some days, these interactions are what keeps me going and happy and content with not only the job itself but with my life overall.
Screenshot 2018-02-20 at 2.58.26 PMSecondarily, some folks out there seem to think it’s ‘Hot’ or ‘Sexy’ when I’m foul and pissy and acting like a harpy. I don’t quite understand it, but verbally lashing non-paying, lurking trolls who dare stretch their fingers to type in my room can be fantastic stress-relief, and if it gets some of my people off… it’s worth every lash.

Again, however…
I cannot keep cutting payday close… every rent check barely scraped together, relying on the random kindness of two or three different strangers every month to cover gaps… It is simply an exhausting way to live, and while it is easy for other women & men to give up this industry and switch careers when they note a lack of interest in their entertainment, I simply do not have that luxury or option available to me.

My endometriosis causes me to have periods that I cannot schedule for, and cannot work through… due to not only excruciating, debilitating pain… but also vaso-vagal seizures, vomiting, and periods of unconsciousness & extreme fatigue. Sometimes, I have more than one menstrual cycle per month, so you can understand why even with doctors notes, you cannot maintain regular employment, or even effectively schedule part-time employment in most civilian sectors. Screenshot 2018-02-20 at 2.38.40 PM

My undiagnosed abdomen issues provide great discomfort when I am ‘functioning normally’ the rest of the time. I have trouble maintaining eating patterns, issues with nausea, and often an altogether absence of appetite that disturbs me, as I have to force myself to eat food! FOOD! If you know me, I am Obsessed with Food! Passionate!!
To have such an innate, voracious desire stripped entirely bare from your personality is absolutely jarring when you notice it… the simplistic dread of wondering if you’ll ever even just want to eat again is strange to experience.

My mental health issues, while I choose not to utilize as a social Crutch, do indeed effect me in civilian life & employment roles. I often try to ignore or wax over the issues they cause, however, there is, plainly, a pattern of employment behavior, for better or worse, that I can contribute directly to my illness… my pattern of labor jobs, working with peer groups of mostly men, working in kitchens & other hospitality jobs, my ‘gaps’ in employment which I personally know were times when I was on disability, or running around the globe meeting strange men, or doing sex work, or was too busy playing ‘Kept Woman’.
Screenshot 2018-02-20 at 3.37.14 PMTaking cam work seriously has offered me a peek into the idea of financial stability & a potential ‘normalized’ future… building businesses, beginning to invest, creating a personal legacy, enabling younger generations of ‘Me’ in ways I never got to experience…
However, for the third time, I cannot get there without ‘The Financial Support of Viewers Like You’.
It is the ultimate reliance on ‘The Kindness Of Strangers’…the pressing, desperate hope that somewhere out there, someone thinks I shine beautifully & authentically enough to support my trade with currency. To purchase my offerings instead of pilfering them, as is so easily done in the online world. Screenshot 2018-02-20 at 3.36.53 PM
Did you know Mindgeek owns a majority of the porntube sites online? Do you know how much content they steal from girls like me? Do you know how much that costs me? Do you know how much that hurts you as a consumer?

When companies, or even simply individuals sitting at home save, copy, download and otherwise steal pornographic content, you are removing an avenue of financial support for a content provider, but adding one more piece of media content to market for public consumption.
The more a model or content provider experiences this ‘removal of revenue, and saturation of the market with content’ cycle, the less they become financially able to produce future scalable content.
Secondarily, most providers have a strict behind-the-scenes marketing & management system for content release & management. When the market is flooded with content readily available, it can destroy not only the cohesive overall image and brand but also the marketing efforts of the brand.
Screenshot 2018-02-20 at 3.38.28 PM
As a consumer, do you want Mark off the street to walk into a Michelin kitchen to cook your food, or do you want a trained Chef to prepare the experience? It is no different within the realm of sex work.
You pay the sex worker & trust them to provide you the most delightful of feasts… trusting them with your appetites & desires.

They deserve to be financially rewarded for their often-intuitive effort, in order to continue to provide an ever-higher-quality experience to the consumer.

Don’t you agree?

 

Women’s Rage Can Burn The World

a1398f640abb489d3658960852178743Women can be cruel.
We hear so much about the cruelty… the cold, calculating harshness of the Patriarchy.
The Wild, Uncontrollable, Fearsome Fires of Masculine Energy…

The Destructive Nature of Man.

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And yet…
Our attention is not drawn to Women’s very nature to destroy… the simple aspect of her duality… she creates life, and she also destroys it at Will, sometimes even against it.

I have always personally wondered how many Kings have let their ears bend, being lulled by beautifully spoken words… women with machinations & jealousies… powerful, luxurious women, draped in satin, limbs dripping with drops of gems & jewels… angry, vengeful, hurt women… intelligent, manipulative women… how many wars were started by careless lovers spitting poison, rather than true hate or desire to conquer?

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Sometimes, Female Energy can explode into violent rage.
I have a personal inkling that there are many more female serial killers than we realize, they simply haven’t been caught.

I have had countless men tell me of violent girlfriends, exes, spouses, dates…and they tell me how helpless they feel in those moments. Men have practically had their rights to personal physical self defense taken away from them in situations involving a woman.
It is seen now that an angry woman is a righteous woman, and an angry man is abusive.

Recently, a man I love very much told me about being assaulted by a woman and I felt such rage. I felt a need to protect and defend… raging and ripping, tearing with teeth and claw into this… Enemy Animal.

Screenshot 2018-02-01 at 12.03.13 AMTo me, especially this man, Men are to be Protected by Women.
Nurtured, cultivated, cherished, played with, delighted in & surprised by.
Men & Women are to compliment, care for & build each other up.

Women whom violate that contract, that bond, that sacred nature, by initiating unjustified violence upon men… they do not deserve to participate in the garden of delight & pleasure between masculine & feminine.

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and that cunt can fuck herself and fall in a sharks mouth.

Comfort is a Killer

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I try to write something profound,
digging deep, trying to ride a wave
Of inspiration, that’s been bleeding,
For over thirty six hours.

I parse my native language,
To properly convey an alien adulation.
I hunt synonyms, adverbs & nouns
Like thick meat; rich & juicy in image & intent.
Aware that during this primal time,
The Man,
Subject of my Stalk,
is laid down,
in an Other-Made-Bed,
Bound,

And tamed in each of the same ways I continue to carve & cut away.
Yearning for Comfort never Pursued in Patience… permanently established & stationed…
Comfort is a killer…
I am lonely, but I am safe.
I am adrift, but I am skilled.
I am sad, but I am alive,
And that is enough.

Only Cowards Torture Women

14736e8cf84b574ec0aeed83b7591641I adore men & the ‘Masculine Essence’ so much, that when I am disappointed by a man, it is as though they are offending not only me, but some sacred Brotherhood; of all Men, the very nature of masculinity, all who have lived and died in the  Universe who describe themselves as male.

I have been having a string of disappointing encounters recently, which is why it came to mind to create a blog post about it all… The most recent of which, also the most embarrassing, on both our parts. I was approached by someone we shall call T. B., who asked for nude content, knowing full well I keep business & my social life very highly separated, and that I am not a physical sex worker in the least, however I recently find myself with financial stressors, and thus, agreed to an amount sufficient for utilization of my time.

After all was said and done, I received nothing for my time whatsoever, and the agreement was broken when he violated the terms by taking unfair advantage of the situation. I won’t reveal details, except to say my trust & person were violated, however I do hold myself accountable for agreement in the first place. I know his type from when I was in my teens, I should have kept learnt lessons filed away, and not re-tried them… aaah, folly!
yrsyOthers have just been pitter-patters here and there upon the window of my dating world…
The banker who wants to be a Sugar Submissive, doing my bidding & pampering, leading up to full financial control & submission… who suddenly disappeared when I asked for an initial sign of commitment after a lengthy discussion of terms & desire…
The ‘Good Samaritan’ who said he would drive into the city to help accomplish an important task… who conveniently got rear ended by a drunk driver on the way into town, who wanted to still meet for drinks the next day because, surprise, he owns four vehicles & wasn’t hurt whatsoever… though the car was a write-off…
The countless boring sit-through’s of, ‘So what do you do..? How long have you lived here..? What do you enjoy eating..?’… hours of my too-often-repeated stories & anecdotes… the horrifyingly predictable pattern played out by the lust-drunk men who desire the chance to further drink from my strange fountain… the myriad of fellas who will make the effort to drive to pick me up & wisk me away to their abode, yet won’t make the effort to come upstairs & have a normal night with no sexual intimacy…

I search for something so much more, and yet the hunt is scarce.

ead6070d5a4ff8e42f5347d1bf983fdc--alternate-worlds-character-design

I have managed to find One Man who has impressed me.
Mr. Scorpio, in past posts… though often referred to on my live broadcasts as Mr. Viking.

He has been the embodiment of Masculine Form.
He has taught me more about myself than my own parents.

My body has developed & changed in beautiful and intimate growth, sometimes in quick bursts of ecstatic-electric synapse, sometimes in slow, languorously thick, heady waves roiling each of my cells into pleasurable gulps.

His romance is dangerous, yet filled with a passion reserved for ancient goddesses.
His Sex is focused, determined, primal, leaving nothing desired or unsated.
His attention is like a beautiful, iridescent garden… perfumed, sweet & dripping like honey & mana over the mouth and mind.

He is so wild, I dare not try to approach or cage him… he is Nature incarnate & one cannot tame such a force without crushing the spirit.  The idea of a mutual, determined journey down the same path…a relationship based on respect, freedom, & communication… ((and a lot of sexual behavior that would make a sailor blush… )) would be oh so sweet.